Graphic by Blake Purser/ChatGPT
Having a hangover is synonymous with New Orleans.
The worst hangover I ever had happened during a friend’s bachelor party in the Big Easy. It was a night of revelry that included downing Bloody Mary’s and Hurricanes at famed Pat O’Brien’s, stopping for a Hand Grenade or two, and visiting the old man who used to sell $1 beers on Bourbon Street. The festivities concluded with hugging a homeless man on Canal Street before passing out face-first into the hotel bed with my shoes still on.
The next morning, though, I experienced the worst hangover of my life. I could still hear the alcohol sloshing around in my belly while I stood in the shower. I tried desperately to wash off the pain and regret of the night before, not to mention the smells of Bourbon Street.
An epic night in New Orleans often leaves you the next morning financially hurting and hugging the porcelain god; that is what it is like to be a longtime fan of the New Orleans Pelicans. Sick, exhausted, embarrassed, and a little broke.
The “Peli-can’ts” have started this season dreadfully.
New Orleans is 4-8, has now lost four straight games, and is coming off a historic milestone. Earlier this week, New Orleans suffered a 138-87 loss to the Golden State Warriors, which is the most lopsided regular-season loss in franchise history. Gayle Benson’s team followed that up with a 145-111 home loss to the Brooklyn Nets, who entered the game with two victories. The 83 first-half points were the second-most first-half points allowed in franchise history.
That is not the caliber of play that helps sell the state, and the general public, on funding a $420 million renovation project for the Smoothie King Center — the team’s home arena.
This year’s Pelicans were supposed to be different, with new defensive-minded head coach Jamahl Mosley, but like when you say you can handle another Jäger Bomb without throwing up — it was a lie.
This is not what anyone envisioned when Benson hired Naismith Basketball Hall of Famer Joe Dumars to run the franchise, but every move has appeared to be a mistake.
New Orleans Pelicans head coach Jamahl Mosley is seen on the sideline during Monday’s historic loss against the Golden State Warriors at Chase Center. — Photo by Kelley L Cox-Imagn Images/Reuters
The Pelicans Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations made it clear that he was going to build around Zion Williamson, a mercurial but immense talent in his eighth season, who has never proven that he can stay healthy or serve as the alpha dog on any team. He is more Kevin Love than LeBron James.
With Zion being the centerpiece, Dumars immediately overhauled the roster by shipping out CJ McCollum, and others to obtain Jordan Poole, Saddiq Bey, and a lottery pick. After selecting Oklahoma’s Jeremiah Fears at No. 7 overall, Dumars then traded two first-round picks to select Maryland’s Derik Queen at No. 15.
The trade meant that the Pelicans would have zero first-round picks in last June’s deep draft, which went over as well as when a drunk guy loudly tells a guy’s girlfriend that she is “so hot.” Trust me on this.
All those moves by Dumars resulted in the “Smellicans” producing the fifth-worst record (26-56) in the Western Conference standings. Poole has been injury-prone, and his contract may be too much to move (or at best they will have to eat most of the contract to move him), while Fears and Queen have shown promise as young players (they look like legitimate NBA talent), but are they franchise cornerstones?
Herb Jones, meanwhile, is the team’s best defensive player, a rare homegrown talent as well, that teams wanted to trade for last season. The Pelicans said no and then started this season having him not start but come off the bench. Dejounte Murray and Fears are essentially the same player, and two who struggle to share the floor, yet continue to play together.
Dumars has the resume to succeed. The Naismith Basketball Hall of Famer led the Detroit Pistons to six straight Eastern Conference Finals, two trips to the NBA Finals, and hoisted the Larry O’Brien Trophy once. He traded for Ben Wallace, Rasheed Wallace, and Rip Hamilton. Drafted Tayshaun Prince and hired Larry Brown as head coach.
But Dumars also had some major missteps along the way. A combination of bad draft picks (Darko Milicic), bad signings (Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon to name a few), and lackluster coaching hires after Brown ultimately led him to step down in 2014. Yes, the last time Dumars was great at his job was two decades ago, when NBA teams won titles running the triangle offense, and teams didn’t jack up 30 threes per game.
That feeling in your tummy is either the realization that the current leader is not capable of running the franchise or you can’t handle your liquor anymore.
It is also a continuation of the Pelicans’ poor leadership.
Minnesota forward Jaden McDaniels (3) secures the ball against New Orleans forward Zion Williamson (1) and Trey Murphy III (25) during game at the Smoothie King Center. — Photo by Stephen Lew-Imagn Images/Reuters
Dumar’s predecessor, David Griffin, came to New Orleans with plenty of fanfare. He was part of a front office that had won a world title, and Griff received a lot of credit for the moves he made in Cleveland. As the man leading the Cavaliers, he traded for Kevin Love, JR Smith, and Iman Shumpert to surround LeBron James and Kyrie Irving. That produced 161 wins and a world title in three seasons.
But Griffin didn’t really sign LeBron. The King made the decision to return to the Cavs to bring his hometown team a title. Once that domino fell, Griff was able to get other players to come to Cleveland. They did that to play with James. Griffin was also part of a front office that drafted Anthony Bennett.
That stellar resume looks a little different once you remove your beer goggles, but it looks amazing compared to what he did from his office on Airline Drive.
Griff traded the disgruntled Anthony Davis to the Lakers for three players and picks. The trio only played two seasons together with the Pelicans, and all three are no longer with the team. Under his watch, the Pelicans drafted both Zion and found gems outside of the Top 10 in Trey Murphy III, Herb Jones, and Yves Missi. But he also burned lottery picks on Jaxson Hayes, Dyson Daniels, Kira Lewis, and Jordan Hawkins.
He also traded for big man Steven Adams and gave him an extension. Traded Jrue Holiday for Eric Bledsoe and picks, which ended poorly for the Pelicans, as Bledsoe proved to be a locker-room cancer while Holiday helped Milwaukee win the world title. That’s a feat other former Pels stars Davis and Josh Hart, did too.
In his six seasons overseeing the team, the Pelicans made the playoffs just twice and never advanced out of the first round.
The franchise has never consistently been good. In 24 seasons, New Orleans has made the playoffs nine times and has only advanced to the second round twice. This is not a proud franchise.
It is not even Thanksgiving yet, and the season for the Pelicans already seems lost. No one truly believes that this can be turned around, and the apathy around this team is more rampant than the regrets from spending a night on Bourbon Street.
So raise your glass, toast the Pelicans to another disappointing season, and hope that when you wake up from the drunken stupor of this season — you will forget just how dreadful they truly are.
Raymond Partsch III is the co-host of “RP3 & Meche” which is broadcast weekdays (11-1) on ESPN 103.7 Lafayette and 104.1 Lake Charles — Southwest Louisiana’s Sports Station.
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